I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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