Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
