Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
