I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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