why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
