Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
