I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
that may or may not have been my penis.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
