you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
