First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
