Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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