I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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