Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
