I hate your face
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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