all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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