Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
