I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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