i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
