I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
