You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
