just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
