your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
