Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
