My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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