It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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