haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
