This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Terrible idea I love it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
