I think my fart just growled at me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
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