Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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