haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL