I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?