Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Let's paint friendship bongs
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
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I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.