I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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