You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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