If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
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He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday