In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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