just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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