he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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