You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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