I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
