I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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