Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
