News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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