but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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