Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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