Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I want is dick and wine.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
