I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
not ubering you a puppy
We need to get me chipped asap
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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