She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
