Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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