careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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