Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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