Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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