I could make wine with my vomit
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
