I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
