well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
