areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
