On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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