it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
