this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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