her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
