I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
