If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
