My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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