I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
