I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
